


Bare and Lost at the Place

by Tsyele



Series: Journey of the Inquisition [7]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Everything Hurts, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurts So Good, Nudity, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-17 23:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3547817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsyele/pseuds/Tsyele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Ar lath ma.</em> When Solas arrived at the Inquisition he had not expected to fall so deeply for the dainty little elf that was now its leader. His love for her is another of his follies, one tainted by the face he kept from all. She deserved the truth, and he wanted to tell her, but as many things in his life, it doesn't go as he planned.</p><p>Two standalone shorts.</p><p>Part 1: the break up as I envisioned it through the lens of Lavellan.<br/>Part 2: Solas tells Lavellan the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cut Short

_“Come with me,_ vhenan.”

And he took her by the hand, out of the hallway and into the courtyard of Skyhold with no regard for secrecy or discretion. Was this finally becoming real?

The small smile on his face clashed with the dazed expression that she was sure she was wearing on hers. For months they had carried their relationship in secret – well, as secret as the most influential woman in Thedas could get – because it had been his wish and she was okay with it. Solas had said to her, long ago, _“There are some… considerations,”_ and after the Arbor Wilds she had a speculation as to what they might be.When they truly got together,he’d asked her not to be overt in their affections until _he_ was sure of their bond’s future, even though he’d already confessed his love. She had agreed because she wanted her time with him and because she had reasons of her own. She never told anyone, but after Corypheus’s defeat she was ready to leave the Inquisition to return to clan Lavellan and resume her rightful place as First. It would not do for her Keeper to hear rumors of her involvement with a flat-ear, not after the story about her own parents. But if Solas was finally going to commit himself fully, if he was ready to make their bond real, then she was also ready to let go of the considerations of her own.

As they passed through him, Varric shot her a quizzical look and she just shrugged her shoulders, confused. She had as much inkling of Solas’s mind as the dwarf, but her imagination sent the butterflies in her stomach aflutter.

The elf stood at the entrance to the main hall and urged her to follow him. Neris looked at Varric, features all lit up, and he waved her off with a smile and a brain turning its gears full of ideas.

She took his hand again, and as both elves walked down the stairs in full view of the setting sun, her cheeks reddened up, betraying the nervousness that wracked her body. She felt more anxious, more on display than when she crossed the gates of Halamshiral. Her free hand tucked her hair behind the ear more times that she could count. How could Solas walk with such confidence right now?

From the corner of her eye she could see Sera poking her head through the window of her room in the tavern, struggling between an expression of approval and disgust, and the hairs rising in the base of Lavellan’s skull indicated that Vivienne was directing them her icy glare of disapproval from her balcony, as she watched them walk through the courtyard – not that the elf particularly cared for the thoughts of the enchanter or the rogue.

When they reached Skyhold’s gates, the itch of curiosity was too much to bear.

“Where are you taking me?” She asked, looking at Solas expectantly.

“I have something I wish to tell you, _vhenan.”_ It lingered in the back of her mind, that he had always been hiding something from her, that she didn’t ask because it had to come from him rather than her prying it off. After the Temple of Mythal, after she finally figured it out, she was waiting for him to tell her.

“And it can’t be in Skyhold because…?”

“Because you are important to me, and what I have to say must be said where we can both be ourselves, with no reservations.”

She felt giddy with excitement. Was he finally going to be honest with her? Her heart raced as they walked the road that led to the mountains surrounding Skyhold, hand in hand, through a path he had shown her before. “Are we going to the place?” She remembered the exact day, a couple of weeks after the balcony kiss, after he whispered in her ear, “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” for the first time, how he’d asked her to meet him at the intersection that lead away from the fort, on the fifth bell after noon. She crossed the gates’ threshold, searching for any onlookers, pulled her cloak up and walked the solitary road until she saw him waiting for her. He’d taken her hand that day, too.

Solas turned to her, smiling softly, and nodded in confirmation.

Her breath caught in anticipation. That day, a few months ago, he’d shown her a hidden cave complex, used by the ancient elves when Skyhold was still Tarasyl’an Te’las. Found deep amongst the mountains, the caves had been used for their hot springs, as places of worship, and to house shrines, and though most were collapsed, one still stood intact even after countless ages had passed. It was a bathing chamber with a large pool heated by the spring that flowed through it, with gentle cascades of water that fell from above, and with the sky for a ceiling. The entrance was announced by two massive harts of Ghilan’nain, torn down and decrepit, surely from the elements. All around its rocky walls, paintings by the ancient elves, that so closely resembled Solas’s own, adorned the stone with stories long forgotten, a testament of how much had been lost. Lavellan had gone around it, tracing her fingers on the walls as she circled the room, wide-eyed and awestruck.

After recovering from her wonder, they had kissed, slowly, reverently, basking in the love that washed through them both. Then, the three words caught in her throat, desperately trying to claw their way out, but Neris swallowed them back, not yet ready to follow in her father’s folly. Gentle fingers caressed her skin, tracing a path from her cheek, pulling lightly at her lip — she could taste the salt on his fingertips— sliding down her chin and neck, raising goosebumps at the touch, until they stopped at her shoulder, hovering hesitantly over the fabric of her shirt. Lavellan gazed silently into Solas’s blue eyes, which burned with a fire that matched her own, and blinked away her permission. She had expected him to come at her with the hunger she’d seen in him at the Winter Palace ball, with a ravenous desire that transcended both sense and propriety, but in the cave, his movements were careful, loving, and soon both of them undressed each other in a slow and tender pace. The last pieces of clothing fell on the ground and they stood naked under the sky, completely bare to one another for the first time, but there was no shame – unlike when in Halamshiral he bent her over and hitched up her skirt – as she stared at his body and he stared back at hers. Solas pulled her in a gentle embrace, kissing the top of her head, their bodies pressed flush against one another.

He’d then lead her to the pool, helping her down, and she was flooded by the warmth of the spring. They bathed together, swimming and dancing in the water, playing like a pair of teenagers before settling in each other’s arms to watch the orange sky give way to a starry night. There they stayed for the rest of the day, in the lost place that they had found and was now their own.

“You know, Solas, you don’t need to take me all the way to the place just to see me bare,” she joked, trying to ease the tension that was sure to build up.

He chuckled. “I know that, _vhenan._ But tonight, it is I who will lay myself bare to you.”

“I think I like the sound of that.” She played at the double entendre, but she knew he meant otherwise. He was going to admit it to her, she could feel it.

They reached the entrance to the caves and made their way in still holding hands. Neris would sometimes bump into his shoulder in affection and they would smile like two fools in love.

As they entered the place, she felt his body tense slightly.

“The Veil is thin here. Can you feel it in your skin, tingling?” He slowed his pace until he stopped and turned her around. She knew he was nervous when he resorted to his Fade smalltalk. The place was supposed to make them both at ease. Lavellan tilted her head, questioning.

Solas cupped her cheek, placing his hand softly, and his gentle expression returned to him. “I was trying to determine some way to show you what you mean to me,” he said, and slid his hand from her face. The absence of his touch left an emptiness she tried to fill with her own.

“That’s not necessary, Solas. You’re my…” She tried to reassure him but the words came tumbling out before Lavellan thought them through. She remembered she’d yet to return his feelings. Was that what held him back?

“That is the question, is it not?” He smiled, but she felt his hesitation as he held her hands in his own. “For now, the best gift I can offer is… the truth.”

“You are unique,” he continued, “In all of Thedas, I never expected to find someone who could draw my attention from the Fade. You have become important to me, more important than I could have imagined.” He was stalling, trying to delay the inevitable confession that he feared would undermine their bond. Did he really think she would cast him aside because of that?

Neris interrupted him. She needed him to know that she loved him no matter what. “As you are to me.” She took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to tell him, “For a long time I was afraid that I was forsaking my Clan by being with you, like my father considered doing for my mother before I was born. Everyone told me he was selfish for wanting to run away, and I’ve been ashamed of him ever since. But I understand him now. I would give up everything if it meant I could be with you. I would follow you for as long as I live.” She squeezed his hands hard. “I… care for you,Solas.”

She was waiting for him to smile, but his face was serious, uncertain. Was this not what he needed to hear?

“Neris, I— What I must tell you…” And his gaze faltered for a fraction of a second, along with his voice. “The truth…”

“Your face. The _vallaslin._ ” His resolve returned just as fast as it had vanished moments before, and at the words, Lavellan’s gut churned. His speech was strange, not as certain as usual, but still resolute, “In my journeys in the Fade, I have seen things. I have discovered what those marks mean.”

 _What?_ She was dumbstruck. At the mention of the Fade again, she knew Solas had changed his mind, and now, instead of admitting to her that he was one of the Elvhen, he spoke of her blood-writing. “They honor the elven gods,” came the automatic response.

“No. They are slave markings, or at least, they were in the time of ancient Arlathan.”

 _What?_ “Keeper said they honored the gods, that they are their symbols. Why would she lie about that?”

“She didn’t. A noble would mark his slaves to honor the god he worshipped. After Arlathan fell, the Dalish forgot.”

 _What?_ “No, it can’t be. You’re wrong.” But he wasn’t, was he? He’d lived there. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true.”

“No, you’re lying. That’s bullshit!” This wasn’t a conversation to be had at the place. This wasn’t a conversation to be had at all. “Isn’t it enough to tell me my god was an awful being while his markings are on my face, you have to tell me I’m a slave to him?” The knot in her throat made it hard to speak. “Does it bring you joy to tear down everything I cared for just to show how much smarter you are, how much more knowledge you have?” Neris could feel the tears welling in her eyes. “If you say you care so much for me, why do you even say these things?

“Because you deserve better!”

She gasped when he gripped both her shoulders. It was so hard to look at his eyes which he kept so firmly planted on her face. She didn’t want to believe him, and if it had been just him to rebuff the Dalish she probably wouldn’t. But the truth had been there plain to see and she had refused to open her eyes. It had happened to the Chantry, to the Circle and the Templars, to the Grey Wardens and to Orlais, and now it was her turn. The confirmation could come with just a call for the voices of the Well.

Normally, having Solas yell at her made her feel afraid, afraid of the person behind the mask, as Vivienne had pointed out. This time his outburst was not truly directed at her and there was no room for fear when she was so filled with dejection and shame. She jerked herself free of his touch, and covered her _vallaslin_ with her hands, hiding her sobs from the man who embodied pride.

His hand hovered above her arm when she turned to face away from him, before embracing her from behind and turning her gently towards him again.

“I didn’t tell you this to hurt you,” he said, tugging at her arms, “If you like, I know a spell…” She released her face from her hands. “I can remove the _vallaslin.”_

“If what you’ve said is true…”

“It is.”

“Then…” What a fool she must’ve looked to Solas, the man who really knew the ancient Elvhen ways. She could never understand them truly, but she did understand what it meant to be Dalish, “my people vowed never to submit to slavery.”

“I’m so sorry for causing you pain. It was selfish of me. But I as look at you now, I see you for what you truly are…” He caressed her hands with his thumbs. “And you are so much more than what those cruel marks represent.”

Lavellan breathed in deeply, releasing her gaze, but she felt her mind go blank. Could this mistake be so easily righted?

“Then cast your spell, Solas,” she paused, “Release me from my chains.”

Her heart raced, as it had done so many times during her time in the Inquisition. She had decided the fate of nations, now she decided the fate of her life. Her anxiety eased at the sight of Solas’s warm smile.

“Sit,” he said, leading her to the edge of the pool. They both sat down on their knees, the small pebbles pressing on her skin.

He released her hands to bring his own up to her face and, the smile still on his lips, and he nodded to her in reassurance.

Neris closed her eyes. She felt the mana welling in his hands and then the blackness of her eyelids became blue. She felt the skin of her chin tingle, a hot sensation rising where the lines marked her face, quickly replaced by a gentle coolness. The magic rose up, from her chin to her nose, from her cheeks to her forehead, until her vision turned black once more. Solas’s fingers hovered just aside her ears, stroking her hair, to then rest on either one of her forearms. Lavellan fluttered her eyes opened, and she was greeted by his proud expression.

 _“Ar lasa mala revas,”_ he said, the elven language beautiful and perfect coming from his lips, “You are free.”

They both rose up, hands clasped together as they had been for most of the evening, as one. His gaze was so intense, so piercing, it made her breath falter. She looked at their joined fingers, trying to determine if what had happened was real. Neris was overwhelmed, she never felt more loved than in this very moment. When she looked back up, his eyes were still on her.

“You are so beautiful.”

Solas released a hand to slide it to the small of her back, and tilted his head to lean in for a kiss. She closed her eyes, breathing in through her mouth until his lips found hers. Her free arm curled at his waist while his hand slipped further down, both pulling each other closer, for every inch of their bodies that wasn’t pressed together was a distance they could not bear. His tongue stroked her lips open and made its way inside, meeting with hers in a gentle caress. Their kiss deepened, not with hunger or want, but a need as if it was their lifeline. Time passed slowly in that kiss, and Lavellan wondered if this was how the ancient elves showed their love, when their love had all the time in the world to bloom.

And, like a soap bubble, the moment burst when Solas disengaged, like he did with all the kisses that came before.

For a second, Neris saw the happiest man in all of Thedas, enraptured in a lover’s bliss, lost and mad and ready to give up the world if it meant they could remain like this forever. He was her _vhenan_ just as she was his. But the second had passed. His face contorted in pain, pain she didn’t understand, before transforming to his look of coolness and detachment, the mask he reserved for everyone else.

“And I am sorry,” the words fell from his mouth, not quite registering in her brain. “I distracted you from your duty,” the sentence started to make sense, in a perverted kind of way, and her stomach twisted in a knot. “It will never happen again.” _“It will never happen again,”_ it repeated in her head, yanking the knot until it split open. The casual tone made her sick, how can someone change so quickly from being loving to being callous?

The torrent of mixed emotions clamped down all around her body, and she felt her tears pushing out, her voice pulling in. Her throat was shut tight, the sound strained as she managed a weak, _“Solas…”_ Her body became limp.

“Please, _vhenan.”_ He said, as if scolding. Solas took a step back, and suddenly it was if they had an entire continent parting them.

That immeasurable distance was almost too much to bear. Everything became blurry as the tears started to well up and sting Neris’s eyes. “Solas… don’t leave me.” _Please, Solas, please._ “Not now.” _Not after everything we’ve been through, not before all we’ve yet to face._ “I love you.” Ar lath ma.

His voice faltered as he shook his head. “You have a rare and marvelous spirit. In another world—”

“Why not this one?” Her arms outstretched to touch him, to make sure this was just some trick of the Fade, that she had fallen asleep and this was just some twisted nightmare. It made sense, yes? In another world — the real one. The Veil was thin here.

But he pushed her away, that single touch, that gentle pressure, that yanked her like an anchor to tether her to reality.

“I can’t.” He shook his head again, this time trying to fend off his own tears and the grimace that betrayed his pain. _Why?_ “I’m sorry.” Solas turned his back and left. _Why?_ Neris tried to follow, but her feet wouldn’t let her. _Why?_

Tears slid down her cheeks, clear and unmarked. Falon’Din left her to guide her love to the depths of the Beyond, dead and never to return but as a memory.

Her body sank down to the ground. Solas was no longer there. He was no longer here. The jagged pebbles pricked at her knees, but the pain could never compare to the heartbreak she felt. Violent sobs wracked through her chest and Neris doubled over to cry, letting the salty tears loose from her eyes wet her palms and slide through the fingers that covered her face.

_Why?_

_Why?_

_Why?_

The time she had to give him was so short, why would he cut it shorter?

Neris looked up to the cavernous corridor through which Solas left, wheezing and whimpering. The place was theirs no more. The bond had been severed. And then she remembered her father. Like Wicked Grace, they’d gambled, but unlike him, who bet half, she went all in.

 

She’d lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it ridiculous that Solas takes Lavellan to Crestwood, that place is so many km away!  
> If we're to believe Tarasyl'an Te'las was a temple of Fen'Harel, there would probably be some caves in the mountains that would have special significance to him, and the Wyvern Cave of Crestwood is a representation of that.
> 
> We all know BioWare has no problem in reusing cave assets...


	2. Selfish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter I have channeled this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCt1_cpyEAk).

“Come with me, _vhenan,”_ he said. Solas took Neris by the hand, gently stroking his thumb over her knuckles. She looked at their joined hands, smiling at his caress. With a slow, deliberate blink, her eyes met his and the look on her face made his heart spill with joy and sadness, awe and regret — the contradicting emotions that love bore him, for how could a sequoia love a mayfly? How could a god love a worshipper? How could deception love authenticity?

But despite everything, he did love her, more than he could possibly have anticipated. He had not anticipated it at all.

 _Ar lath ma._ The words dangled from his tongue, ready to fall out like they’d so easily as they did before.

“Where are you taking me?” She asked, so earnest, so sweet, with a smile — the smile that could break him apart and build him anew. Solas wondered if this was how a newly awakened Tranquil felt: all the thoughts, all the memories, all the hopes, all the fears, all the emotions. All at once, bursting inside his head and chest, not sure what was real and what was not, wishing against all sanity that it was.

“I have something I wish to tell you, _vhenan.”_

“And it can’t be in Skyhold because…?”

“Because you are important to me, and what I have to say must be said where I can be myself, with no reservations.”

She hummed, pleased. “Where is this place?”

They walked, hand in hand, through the snowy paths out of the mountain fortress, neither cold nor warm, the wind still and lifeless as the darkness set in. The world was quiet and peaceful and easy. “Before Skyhold became what it is today — what you turned it into — it was once inhabited by our people.”

“Tarasyl’an Te’las.”

“Exactly.” He smiled. Neris always seemed to follow his thoughts. She had a cunning and wisdom beyond her years. Solas loved her for that. “It was a place of worship. A temple, if you will. As such other places, Tarasyl’an Te’las had a great garden leading up to its gates. Along that garden were built shrines, meditation halls, offering chambers and bath houses. All inside the mountains.”

“How come we never saw any on our way to Skyhold?”

“These were sacred places. The ancient elves hid them well. But what happened was what became of most of Elvhenan: they were destroyed or forgotten.”

“To lose so much… Such a waste,” Neris said. Solas felt a pang of guilt. In her voice there was sadness, anger, frustration. It echoed his heart, but she would never feel the guilt that burdened and weighed on his shoulders.

“Though the trees and blooms are long gone, some of it yet remains. That is what I wish to show you.”

The two elves walked on until they reached the crossroad. Solas then lead her through a hidden path into the mountain, its entrance open and ready to receive them. Through the stony corridors they advanced, hands still clasped together. Neris’s mouth parted in awe. The blackness obscured most of her figure, but the gentle blue light of shimmering runes traced the contours of her face, painting her in a beauty he’d never seen before. Such a sight was something Solas would have to record when he returned.

There were a few doors blocked by rubble. He could’ve easily cleared them and showed her, but his heart raced in anticipation of what was coming next and he couldn’t delay it further. It wasn’t right. In the hot spring, where he met with Wisdom for their talks, he was comfortable, confident. It was there where Solas would tell Neris the truth.

The words had been rehearsed in his head, the setting thought out beforehand. He would show her, his _vhenan,_ his face, his other face. The one he hid from all. The one he couldn’t hide any longer. He would meet her every reservation with careful words, match her shock with calm, and then she would leave. And he would be relieved.

Neris bumped her shoulder against his, teasingly, playfully. She smiled and Solas smiled back. Two fools in love.

When the harts of Ghilan’nain came into to view, his _vhenan_ couldn’t help but suck in air in awe. A large crystalline pool bubbled from the heat from beneath while clear fresh water fell from above in gentle cascades. With the sky for a ceiling, and the magic that claimed the chamber, the ancient vegetation still flourished, covering the ground and rocky walls in vibrant green. Elvhen frescoes dotted the stone, the memories of a time when everything was right and everything was wrong.

Neris circled the room, taking in the sight with hungry eyes, burning in her head the memory of a time she couldn’t possibly understand. When the lap was complete, she stopped by one of the harts, stroking the stone.

“This place is amazing,” she said.

“It is.” _It was._ “But you are so much more so.”

Her lips parted slightly, releasing a sigh and turning it into a smile. She stepped towards, taking his hand once again and whispered, “Solas…”

 _“Ar lath ma,”_ he said, cupping his free hand beneath her chin to tilt her head up. She was so small, so small compared to the _elvhen_ women he used to know. An injustice. Neris deserved to be looked up at, not down. Another of his failures. One he was getting used to.

Solas kissed her softly, taking her cherry lips in a chaste peck. _Focus._

Neris lifted a brow. “Was this all you wanted to show me?”

He smiled. “Not quite.” Solas inhaled slowly to brace himself. After a small pause, he continued, “Do you not wonder whose temple this was?”

“At a guess?” She turned her head to each side, inspecting her surroundings. It was in mock, he knew that. He also knew what she would say. “Ghilan’nain.”

“One might think so. But no.”

“Oh? Who, then?”

How he waited for that curious mind of hers. “The one your people calls Fen’Harel.”

She scoffed, “The Dread Wolf? How could— Of course he would trick the People into worshipping him.”

Were he not prepared he would’ve winced at her Dalish superstition. It wasn’t _vhenan’_ s fault. Not truly. She’d been given lies, kept ignorant, but she was slowly learning, and in time she would learn the truth. That was what he could offer her, after everything she had showed and given him.

“The Wolf needed no tricks to rally the People to his cause.”

“What cause?”

“To rebel against the servitude and oppression of the poor and the powerless.”

“Servitude?”

“Tevinter was not the only empire to practice slavery.”

“How— How do you know this?”

Solas looked at the ground to gather himself, then returned his gaze to her eyes. “I was there.”

 _“What?!”_ He could see her eyes say, even if her voice was silent. He knew this would come as a shock, but it was just a prelude. A test.

“Neris, I have not been the most honest man, but know that what I now say is the absolute truth.” He grabbed her by the shoulders, keeping his blue eyes fixed on hers. “You have become important to me, more important than I could have imagined. The least I can offer you is the truth.”

“What do you mean you were there? Are you… are you _elvhen?_ Are you a follower of Fen’Harel?”

Solas tilted his head slightly, softening his features. Her Dalish mind could never fathom this. He turned serious.

“I _am_ Fen’Harel.”

For a few moments, Neris simply searched his face, looking for the jest, looking for the lie, but he held fast. When he didn’t budge, her eyes went wide and she took a step back, releasing herself from his grasp.

“No,” she chuckled. She didn’t believe him.

“It’s true.”

This time she laughed. But there was no mirth. “No, you can’t be.” She shook her head. “The Dread Wolf sealed the gods away. He spends his time patrolling the… the Beyond.” Her voice thinned to a whisper as her head wrapped around the revelation.

Neris backed away until she hit the other statue with her back. He could smell the fear on her, and he braced for the unpleasantness that would come next. Her eyes scanned his entire body, remembering and taking in all the little things he’d said and left unsaid, everything he’d hidden in plain sight. Solas bore her scrutiny in silence, knowing that she would not take it well.

“It was your temple. That’s why…” She trailed off.

“Yes.”

“You lied this whole time.”

“Not exactly.” He took a step forward. “If you let me—”

“D—don’t come near me!” Even though he knew she would react this way, it still hurt. The mark on her left hand flashed bright green as the crackling sound joined together with the falling water to create an eerie cacophony.

As her hand rose up to her face, she gasped.

“This… _thing…_ It’s yours.”

“Yes.”

“You tried to kill me.” Neris leaned on the statue for purchase. Tears were beginning to well on her eyes. “You used me. You are using me!”

_“Vhenan.”_

She gagged at the word. Neris held on to the stone as her knees gave in. Her other hand covered her mouth. “You… _seduced_ me. So… what? I’d agree to whatever you want?”

 _“Vhenan,_ don’t— don’t think that!” He begged her. Guilt flooded his body. He didn’t want her to think that because he wanted her to think of him as a better person. But he wasn’t. All that she said was true, and it ate at him to think that in the beginning he did use her, he did seduce her to keep on using her. The memory of it tainted their love like the Blight, their love he was trying so hard to purify. It was pathetic, but the pain and disgust in her voice was heart-wrenching, and his eyes threatened to spill.

“Oh, Creators. Help me,” she wheezed as the tears flowed freely through her cheeks. “But they can’t, can they? Because of you.”

 _“Vhenan,_ please. Let me expl—”

“All that’s happened was because of you. The fall of Arlathan. Our lost culture. Our people hungry and dying on the streets. Our people wandering without a home. The Breach. It is all your fault!”

“It is not that simple.”

“Yes, it is. You ruined my life!”

“Please don’t say that.” _Vhenan’_ s words had chipped away his resolve, and this was not something he’d anticipated. But Solas couldn’t cry. His pride wouldn’t let him. _Walk away._

“You ruined my life. All those dead, all those dying… you ruined everyone’s lives.”

Solas turned to face away from her, but he couldn’t walk away. Not with her thinking that. This couldn’t be their goodbye. “You are right.” He paused. “It was not supposed to happen this way.”

“You are foul, Dread Wolf.”

“I deserve all your hate. But you do not deserve the anguish I have caused you.” He turned to walk towards her. Neris scrambled back to her feet as he approached, but he was too fast for her and Solas caught her head with both his hands.

“No! Let me go! Let me go!” She writhed beneath him, kicking and swatting at him to no avail. His hold on her was too strong.

“I’m sorry.” He needed her to leave him, to hate him. Deserved it, even. But he couldn’t handle it, not now, not when their love was so young. He wanted more time with her. He wanted to call her _vhenan_ again and again. He wanted to whisper “Ar lath ma” in her ear once more. He wanted their love to last lifetimes as if they still lived in Elvhenan. These idle fancies will be the death of him, but he would die happy.

Placing his thumbs on her temples, he pressed hard and whispered as his face contorted in guilt, “Forget.”

Neris’s eyes closed and her body went slightly limp. Solas released her head and rubbed the tears that were held in his eyes as she stirred, blinking, focusing her vision. She shook her head and they both stood up.

“This place is amazing,” she said.

“It is.” He smiled.

“Does it still exist outside the Fade?”

“It does. If you like, I can show you.”

“I’d love that.” Neris hugged him, nestling her head against his chest.

He stroked her hair. His smile had faded as the guilt squirmed through him. _Not yet._

The truth would come out.

Solas would tell her.

But not tonight.

Not yet.

 _Selfish_.

 

“Wake up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for pulling a 'and it was all a dream,' but this is Solas we're talking about and I had previously mused about him performing test runs of the reveal in the Fade. Also, because there was a recent influx of the confession scene, I decided to put my own spin to it. This one happens not much time after his love confession in the balcony, as I imagine that once he realized he loved her, he would feel guilty about his deception.
> 
> If you're wondering why Ghilan'nain, then I will shamelessly promote my ongoing series and say to check out [Rise of a God, Fall of a People](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3525200).
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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